My hands trembled, the drink spilling sideways while I tried to find her. The spritz wasn’t cute, the orange slice sunk below the ice. She took it from my hand and smiled, but I knew she would not go home with me.
She pretended to have a phone call, she had the calculator open, looked at me and smiled, with the spritz in her hand, the melted ice washed off strong orange color it had. She disappeared and I knew I shouldn’t have talked of protein intake and traveling to Asia.
I walked home, her physiognomy already forgotten, she was a copy or every other girl, a pity I wasn’t a copy of every other guy. Despite that, I don’t feel enraged, it is not her fault. It is mine and just mine alone, I don’t know how to play the game. I work out and brush my teeth, I floss daily. I am plain, bland, unseasoned, forgettable. I don’t compete with other guys, I compete with the fun they have with their friends. I compete with the wellbeing they have being unbothered.
He wrote in his journal, already in pajamas, comfy in his bed. He put his left hand inside his pants and entertained the idea, but he was not in mood even for that. He had too many drinks and spent precious minutes explaining creatin and whey protein, how cardio was a feminine exercise. And how slim and pretty she was, but he wanted to see a picture of her mother just to be sure that she would not age like milk. His brain did not let him forget and tortured his sleep the whole night.
At three zero two his bladder woke him up. He was not drunk, but he missed the aim and half of it landed on the floor. He saw a slug on his wall, on top of the toilet, a big, fat, juicy slug, with a beautiful pattern of golden and purple colors with lime green antennae. He noticed the slug’s juice staining his wall. But he would deal with the king slug in the morning.
“Will you ignore me?” A deep voice echoed in his brain. He looked confused and stuck his head out of his tiny bathroom to see if the TV was on. “I was sent to help you.”
“With what?” His face betrayed him, the disgust was evident in his face.
“My superiors took pity on you. I will help you to solve your love life.”
“Like a fairy godmother? I am handsome, I have a good jawline, my hair is full and wavy, I hit my protein intakes…”
“You are boring! We will work on that. Now, you will be a cat!” The colorful slug sprinkled magical slug juice on the young man and soon he was squirming on the floor, his limbs shrinking and nice fluffy dark tabby fur sprouting. The transformation pained the young man, screaming and meowing for what seemed hours. At three zero three he got up, got to his bed and cozied up, curling near his pillow.
He woke up startled, the alarm was off, louder than normal. He tried to sit down, it did not work, his nightstand was farther away than before, and his vision was blurrier from near. The strange dream was not a dream. He licked his own genitals. Instead of screaming, he meowed. He regurgitated a fur ball he did not remember preparing before. “Hey, slug fairy, slug fairy!”
“Superior built, right? You care about fitness, jump, women love cats, jump and meow! Your body can jump and dive, you are strong and can fight other males, the penis is small, but the testicles are huge.”
“Can I go back to my body? Isn’t this cheating? I want to get to know a woman that is interested in me, not a cat form.”
“If you find a woman, you can make biscuits on her chest.”
“I can.” He jumped on every surface of his tiny apartment. “Once I figure out how to leave this place.” But the slug thought of everything, and he was free in his large apartment complex. He was a tabby with big balls and large cheeks. There was a beautiful, young neighbor on the fourth floor, her breasts were round and bouncy, he watched her through a crack in his window as she went downstairs. Now that he was a cat, it was fair game.
He did not expect the kids between him and his titty neighbor. The first kid grabbed him by the back of his neck, and he froze, the kid’s hands were sticky, and his fur absorbed the sugar and saliva, sticking together in spikes. Another kid stole him from the first boy. This time a girl held him, and shook him up and down and caressed him strongly, his skin was pulled to the back of his body. He bit, scratched, screeched, and found himself in the middle of a child pit, back arched. This was not what he was promised, he wanted biscuits with the busty lady.
An adult saved him and scolded the children, took him home, he had other two cats, but he ran away from the man too. “Slug fairy! Slug fairy! I don’t want this, please, I don’t want to be a cat.”
“Why not? You are a hunting machine, living of just protein with a shape ladies approve.”
“I don’t want to be touched and smothered by everyone! Please, let me go back to person, I learned my lesson.”
The slug could not fulfill his wish, his job was to find him a mate, and he was still a miserable bachelor. The slug sprinkled more of his powerful juice on the poor tabby. The tabby shivered and fell with his mouth opened and tongue out. And suddenly he was a beautiful gold bracelet with shimmering red stones. Being lifeless made the feline body feel so close to his human condition. No lungs to fill with air or intestines to empty. He was a cold metal bracelet that found a young lady immediately.
He felt her warm skin. She lived with roommates, her room was not only messed up, but it was dirty. She had a pile of dirty clothes behind the door, he noticed ants crawling around the leftover soda cans and food wraps. She did not bother washing her hands and took the massager under her pillow, spat on it and lifted her skirt, the wand in one hand and scrolling on her phone with the other, she did not seem to pay attention to either.
She shoved the massager back behind her pillow and cleaned her hands on the yellow stained bed sheets and then ordered takeout from the phone. He noticed, so close to the screen, her feed was spotless, she was a princess online and a slob in real life. She slept without taking a shower, in her own dirt and food crumbs. He screamed for the king slug, it was still time to change. Not even being close to breasts soothed the situation. King slug appeared. He noticed the slug was floating, probably disgusted to stick to the surfaces in the room.
“You have a woman now, what is it?”
“I am glad I don’t have a nose… I don’t want spent my lifetime as a bracelet, I need out before I get sick.”
“You are made of gold, women love money… you know what? You are hard to please.”
“I don’t care about that, I just want to be me…”
“Let’s try one last time, I would get in trouble reporting I failed you.” The slug took him back to his small apartment, sprinkled the magic juice and he transformed into a woman.
He was exhausted, he did not get up until midday. He saw first the arms, he walked slowly to the bathroom, scratched his ass and reached for his willy. Nothing! He searched in between the brown hair and found nothing but a hole, he was hollow, nothing dangling. He touched his chest just to check and jumped out, he touched again and could not hide the disappointment, he wished his cups were larger.
After exploring his new body he saw a tutorial on how to comb his hair and shave the armpits. He noticed how plain he was as a lady, he preferred someone with makeup and with hair styled in curls, with sexy clothing. The natural beauty he thought he liked wasn’t inherent from his body, it wasn’t natural. He did not hate his new form. He went out to buy clothes he liked in a woman, and shoes, he paid for makeup and hair and went home, he was pretty. He would enjoy the natural advantage of women in the nightclub. Maybe he was a lesbian.
But instead, in the nightclub, he became worried about deviating from men’s hands, silly catcalling and aggressive drunks. He wondered if his makeup was still intact and made way into the bathroom, where women were helping each other with bra straps and passing pads and tampons. He smiled and a girl glued a star to his cheek. “Girl you are so pretty!”
He went back to the bar and saw a young man, just like him, he smiled but regretted it, because he saw the man buying two drinks and coming towards him, spilling it everywhere. He took the drink a little embarrassed, the young man was only talking about himself, not leaving space for any exchange. He opened his phone and pretended to be on a call, and it hit him.
“King slug! I got it! C’mon, I got it… Let me out!”
